Character Profile | Severus Snape

The Character: Severus Snape

First Appearance: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Favorite Quote: I don't know, I guess that one time he sassed Professor Umbridge

I'm just going to get this out of the way so you guys aren't under any false impressions: Severus Snape is literal dog shit. I don't care that he has this supposedly tragic backstory or that he somehow redeemed himself in the last 30 pages of Deathly Hallows. The man bullies children between the ages of 11 and 17 because he was "friend-zoned" and his ego never fully recovered. Grow the fuck up and do your damn job, dude.

I do want to say that I think Alan Rickman (rest in peace) did a great job portraying Snape without making me completely hate him, but Severus Snape the person should have never been given a job teaching children.

But Emma, you haven't given us any evidence. Prove to me that he's a terrible person.

Oh dear reader I shall, but let me just say, how the hell do I need to prove it to you if you've already read all seven Harry Potter books? Anyhoo, let me just count the ways Snape is a creepo creeper.

1. Let's start with the big one: his hatred for James Potter. Look, I get it. James and Sirius were huge assholes when they were kids. They were the bullies that you always hear about in high school that think they're hilarious. I am not trying to say that Snape is out of line for hating James and Sirius. They did make Snape's life a living hell while they were all at Hogwarts.

However, in the Harry Potter series 20 freaking years had passed. The fact that the man held onto his grudge for so long that he, in turn, bullied his bully's child is utterly ridiculous. You know who else had a tough life and then eventually went into teaching? That one teacher from Matilda. Do she let her tough life get the better of her emotions? No. Because she's a sane individual who doesn't hold grudges that affect her job.

2. His utter disregard for all student's feelings. Remember that time when Hermione was on the receiving end of a jinx that made her front teeth grow to abnormally large lengths? Do you remember that this happened blatantly in front of Professor Snape? Do you remember his response when Harry and Ron, furious that there was no retribution for what had been done to her, made him aware of Hermione's teeth situation? Cause I do. He responded,

"I see no difference."

Now there are a couple of issues I have with this sentence alone. Hermione is 14 years old. Ladies, I don't know if you remember when you were 14, but I do. Fourteen is a difficult year when magic isn't involved. Throw in a curse that makes your teeth grow to comical proportions and then, when you think the teacher will at least punish those responsible, the teacher instead tells you that he sees no difference and your self confidence is utterly destroyed.

My second issue is that Snape is a goddamn teacher. I don't pretend to know the proper teaching techniques as I am not the teacher in my family (my husband is), but I would think it's pretty much Teaching 101 to not. Bully. Your. Students. Also, SIDE NOTE here, but shouldn't Dumbledore like, I don't know, monitor his professors? Aren't all principals supposed to sit in on one class period and monitor how the professor is teaching? Also, if I had been there, I would have punched that asshole in the face so it's probably a good thing I never got my letter.

Dumbledore is a whole other issue.

3. Getting friendzoned isn't a reason to constantly obsess over the lady in question. Here's an unpopular opinion apparently: the "Always" quote is not actually as romantic as everyone believes. Snape's whole story with Lily is just...incredibly problematic. The whole unrequited love thing isn't a new plot point and that's not what I find so awful. What I find awful is that, over the years, this man does not drop this obsession.

In Deathly Hallows we learn that Snape was completely destroyed over the death of Lily and only Lily. I know that there was no love lost between Severus and James, but to not care about the lives of the man Lily loved and their son is just utterly cruel. It's almost as if Snape switched sides because he hoped that it might redeem himself in Lily's eyes (SPOILER: calling your "best friend" a Mudblood and then joining the Death Eaters is not easily forgiven or forgotten).

Also, if I have to hear one more time that Snape's patronus proves that he loves Lily I'm going to scream. Let's compare shall we? Lily's patronus was a doe. James was a stag. They were soulmates in that they completed and complimented each other. The fact that Snape's patronus simply copied Lily's proves one thing and one thing only: obsessive love. Snape was so obsessed with Lily that he literally took on some of her own characteristics. Personally, I find this more creepy than romantic.

Ok you've convinced me, but why is he not redeemed at the end of the series?

I'll admit, that's a fair question. It's true, Snape risks his life to take Voldemort down from the inside and, indeed, eventually gives his life to the cause. Maybe I'm a bit harsh, but I still don't find his sacrifice enough to make up for the seven plus years he spent bullying students, ruining other people's careers (hello, he "let slip" that Lupin was a werewolf), and just generally not caring about anyone but himself and his bruised ego.

But the movie version:

I've already touched on this a little, but I do have to say that the movies do a little better of a job redeeming Snape in my eyes. I mean, he's still a shit teacher, but we thankfully don't have to watch a scene where he tells a tearful Hermione that she looks no different when she actually has huge beaver teeth.

So what have we learned?

Well mainly we've learned that, in order to be a functioning human being, maybe you shouldn't hold a grudge for 20+ years and bully all the children you're supposed to be teaching. Severus Snape is a garbage human being and if you're still apologizing for him then you can just get out.

Happy Sunday!