Review | The Bitchy Waiter

Title: The Bitchy Waiter: Live on the Other Side of the Menu by Darron Cardosa Date Published: April 5th, 2016

Dates Read: January 9-11, 2021

Current Goodreads Rating: 3.67

If you know me personally, then you know that I am an alumna of Food and Beverage. My F&B experience comes exclusively from waitressing at the fancy retirement homes in my home and college towns, but I imagine my experiences are pretty much the same aside from the fact that I was not allowed to receive tips. I shelved this to be read way back in 2018 when I had just freshly quit the waitressing biz and started my new 'big girl' job working 8-5 M-F in an office. It was exhilarating. I hadn't had a weekend where I wasn't delivering ketchup with a fake smile on my face in years. My feet hurt, my back hurt, and I pretty much always assumed the worst in people because I had to serve the worst people. I blame waitressing for making me an old woman.

That being said, sometimes I do miss it. I've had two office jobs since I turned in my apron and, while both of the teams I've worked with have always been great to work with, there is just something unique about working with waiters and line cooks. There's a particular sense of camaraderie that you just don't see in any other job. The Bitchy Waiter helped me relive some of those stressful, fun, and downright bizarre stories without actually sacrificing my sanity and diving back into the world of food service.

Ok, what happens? Basically this is a printed version of Cardosa's blog of the same name. He has been in the food service business far longer than I would ever want to be and he has collected some pretty hilarious stories in that time span. Honestly I'm just glad I'm not the only one who immediately turned into a petty bitch once a customer got a little snippy with me. I found myself reading parts of these stories to my husband, but he just didn't find them as funny. I suppose you lose your mind a little bit when you have to deal with all the unwashed masses.

One of the things I found most endearing about Bitchy Waiter was the collection of softer stories sprinkled throughout. In all jobs it can be sometimes difficult to find and share the good stories because the bad ones just make for better entertainment, but Cardosa does a great job showing us he's much more than a cynical waiter tired of everyone's bullshit. In one of my favorite softer stories, Cardosa describes serving an older couple. The couple was sweet - the old man taking great care with his wife who was obviously suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's. Cardosa describes how she was constantly smiling and he realized he wanted to do everything in his power to ensure she kept smiling. He is gentle in his interactions with her as he realizes she's not sure if she's supposed to know him. The whole meal unfolds beautifully and Cardosa ends the retelling by saying he hopes she never loses her smile. With my experience working in retirement homes, that story spoke to me pretty much directly. I worked at two different retirement homes because I loved helping people just like Cardosa loved helping that woman. Serving people like that by no means is going to change the world, but it might change someone's day.

On top of that Cardosa sprinkles in various 'Top 10s' that either had me rolling or had me incredibly nostalgic. Some of my favorites include:

1. Stop saying, "it was horrible" and "I hated it." - You can imagine how many old men fed me this dad joke and I just had to smile and laugh like it was the funniest damn thing I'd heard.

2. Stop fighting over the check - I still get anxious thinking about all the family feuds I witnessed just because I brought over one check

3. Learn the names of the back-of-house crew and be nice to them - They are lifesavers, excellent drinking buddies, and good people to bitch to when that one lady in your section just keeps telling you you're doing your job wrong.

4. You won't go into a restaurant unless it is open for at least one more hour - Once my family decided to drop in on a restaurant about an hour before closing, which would have been fine if it was just three of us or something, but we had at least nine people and I cringed the entire evening as dinner turned to drinks and dessert.

5. Children should never leave cereal all over the damn place - My personal cereal was the unholy amounts of shredded cheese I had to vacuum every Sunday after a particular family finished eating. Clean up required several waiters and we had to physically move the table aside to properly clean everything.

Yes, that is me, and yes, I am thinking how long I have to survive until my shift is over.

I will admit, sometimes Cardosa's stories were a little too bitchy for my taste. He'd complain about the pickiness of one particular customer or one snarky comment of another and I just wouldn't get the frustration. However, I am sure if 2017 Emma had read this book she would have agreed with everything written. I'm aware that F&B and I have been separated for four years so my wounds have healed, but back then was a completely different story.

Long Story Short:

• If you are or were a waiter at any point in your life you should read this book

• Don't forget to tip your waiter - at least 20% you heathens

• I think food service is why I have such a love/hate relationship with children

My Rating: 3/5